Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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