i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
