i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
