only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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