And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
