we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
