it's too hot outside to masturbate.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
