I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
