I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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