I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
