If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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