fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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