If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
