Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
