The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
