highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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