Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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