Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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