if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
