I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
