i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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