a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
