he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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