An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
