dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
