I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He felt like a one man threesome
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
