Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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