you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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