so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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