You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Bring me that man meat
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
