i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
