just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
