can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Boobs are out for the taking
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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