So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
