I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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