Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
