so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Randomize
