Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
