If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
