I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize