Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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