last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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