Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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