i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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