Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
