me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
