Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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