Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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