You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You made out with two different species that night
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
