i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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