i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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