Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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