how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
