he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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