just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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