Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
