i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
