We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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