You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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