So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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