I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
