i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
