I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
