My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
