Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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