There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
